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    Why? How? When? What If?


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A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge. 


The husband pointed to a mule in a pasture.

"Relative of yours?" 

he asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"By marriage."




A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. 


By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.  After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."




A 70 year old billionaire had just married a beautiful 20 year old.

"You crafty old codger," said his friend. "How did you get such a lovely young wife?"

"Easy," the billionaire replied.  "I told her I was 95." 




Love And Hate Fists



100% preshrunk cotton 6.1 oz Crew Neckline Standard Fit Machine Wash Cold
Love Me Or Hate Me





A love–hate relationship is an interpersonal relationship involving

simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and hate—

something particularly common when emotions are intense. The

term is used frequently in  psychology,  popular writing, and

journalism. It can be applied to relationships with inanimate

objects, or even concepts, as well as those of a romantic nature

or between siblings, parents and children.


A love–hate relationship has been linked to the occurrence of

 emotional ambivalence  in early childhood; to conflicting

responses by different ego states within the same person; or to

the inevitable co-existence of egoistic conflicts with the object of



 Narcissists  have been seen as particularly prone to aggressive

reactions towards love objects, not least when issues of self-

identity are involved:

                                in extreme instances, hate at the very

existence of the other may be the only emotion felt, until love

breaks through behind it. Research from Yale University suggests love–hate relationships may be the result of poor self-esteem. The term is sometimes employed by writers to refer to relationships between celebrity couples who have been divorced, then who reunite (notably  Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton,  or Eminem and Kimberly Scott), as well as to their relationship with fame itself.


Love Hate Playing Cards
Darkness Cannot Drive Out Darkness
Sometimes I Hate You Sometimes I Love You
People Say Hate

      The Japanese word "tsundere" comes from two words-tsuntsun (aloof,

      irritable, cold) and deredere (lovestruck). A tsundere character is one who              frequently switches between insulting their love interest and acting love struck        or kind toward them.  Tsundere  characters usually belittle their love interest at        first but eventually become kinder to them over time. Although the tsundere            theme is prevalent in anime and manga, other forms of media typically contain       tsunderes, including Harry Potter, where Hermione Granger constantly                    belittles Ron although she loves him.


       Catullus  introduced the love–hate theme into Western culture with his

      famous lines:

                           “I hate and yet love. You may wonder how I manage it. I don't              know, but feel it happen, and am in torment”.


      The concept of a  love–hate  relationship is frequently used in teen romance            novels where two characters are shown to "hate" each other, but show some          sort of affection or attraction towards each other at certain points of the story.


Love and hate as co-existing forces have been thoroughly explored within the literature of psychoanalysis, building on awareness of their co-existence in Western culture reaching back to the “odi et amo” of Catullus, and  Plato's Symposium. 


 Ambivalence  was the term borrowed by Sigmund Freud to indicate the simultaneous presence of love and hate towards the same object. While the roots of ambivalence can be traced back to breast-feeding in the oral stage, it was re-inforced during toilet-training as well. Freudian followers such as Karl Abraham and Erik H. Erikson distinguished between an early sub-stage with no

ambivalence at all towards the mother’s breast, and a later oral-sadistic sub-phase where the biting activity emerges and the phenomenon of ambivalence appears for the first time. The child is interested in both libidinal and aggressive gratifications, and the mother’s breast is at the same time loved and hated.


While during the  pre-oedipal  stages ambivalent feelings are expressed in a dyadic relationship between the mother and the child, during the oedipal conflict ambivalence is experienced for the first time within a triangular context which involves the child, the

mother and the father. In this stage, both the boy and the girl develop negative feelings of jealousy, hostility and rivalry toward the parent of the same sex, but with different mechanisms for the two sexes. The boy’s attachment to his mother becomes stronger, and he starts developing negative feelings of rivalry and hostility toward the father. The boy wishes to destroy the father so that he can become his mother’s unique love object. On the other hand, the girl starts a love relationship with her father. The mother is seen by the girl as a competitor for the father’s love and so the girl starts feeling hostility and jealousy towards her. The negative feelings which arise in this phase coexist with love and affection toward the parent of the same sex and result in an ambivalence which is expressed in feelings, behavior and fantasies. The negative feelings are a source of anxiety for the child who is afraid that the

parent of the same sex would take revenge on him/her. In order to lessen the anxiety, the child activates the defense mechanism

of identification, and identifies with the parent of the same sex. This process leads to the formation of the Super-Ego.


According to Freud, ambivalence is the precondition for  melancholia,  together with loss of a loved object, oral regression and discharge of the aggression toward the self. In this condition, the ambivalently loved object is introjected, and the libido is withdrawn into the self in order to establish identification with the loved object. The object loss then turns into an ego loss and the conflict between the Ego and the Super-Ego becomes manifested. The same ambivalence occurs in the obsessional neurosis, but there it remains related to the outside object.



The object relations theory of  Melanie Klein  pivoted around the

importance of love and hate, concern for and destruction of others, from

infancy on wards. Klein stressed the importance of inborn aggression as a

reflection of the death drive and talked about the battle of love and hatred

throughout the life span. As life begins, the first object for the infant to

relate with the external world is the mother. It is there that both good and

bad aspects of the self are split and projected as love and hatred to the

mother and the others around her later on: as analyst, she would find

herself split similarly into a “nice” and a “bad” Mrs Klein.


During the  paranoid-schizoid position,  the infant sees objects around it

either as good or bad, according to his her experiences with them. They

are felt to be loving and good when the infant’s wishes are gratified and

happy feelings prevail. On the other hand, objects are seen as bad when

the infant’s wishes are not met adequately and frustration prevails. In the

child’s world there is not yet a distinction between fantasy and reality;

loving and hating experiences towards the good and bad objects are

believed to have an actual impact on the surrounding objects. Therefore,

the infant must keep these loving and hating emotions as distinct as

possible, because of the paranoid anxiety that the destructive force of the

bad object will destroy the loving object from which the infant gains refuge against the bad objects. The mother must be either good or bad and the feeling experienced is either love or hate.

 Prefab Sprout - 1984 

 When Love Breaks Down  



However, later in development, these emotions start to get integrated, in a natural process. As the infant’s potential to tolerate ambivalent feelings with the depressive position, the infant starts forming a perception of the objects around it as both good and

bad, thus tolerating the  coexistence  of these two opposite feelings for the same object where experience had previously been

either idealised or dismissed as bad, the good object can be accepted as frustrating without losing its acceptable status. When this takes place, the previous paranoid anxiety (that the bad object will destroy everything) transforms into a depressive anxiety; this is the intense fear that the child’s own destructiveness (hate) will damage the beloved others. Subsequently, for the coexistence of

love and hate to be attainable, the child must believe in her ability to contain hate, without letting it destroy the loving objects. He/she must believe in the prevalence of the loving feelings over his her aggressiveness. Since this ambivalent state is hard to preserve, under difficult circumstances it is lost, and the person returns to the previous manner keeping love and hate distinct for a period of time until he/she is able to regain the capacity for ambivalence.


 Ian Dishart Suttie  (1898-1935) wrote the book The Origins of Love and Hate, which was first published in 1935, a few days after

his death. He was born in Glasgow and was the third of four children. His father was a general practitioner, and Ian Suttie and both of his brothers and his sister became doctors as well. He qualified from Glasgow University in 1914. After a year he went into psychiatry. Although his work has been out of print in England for some years, it is still relevant today.  It has been often cited and makes a contribution towards understanding the more difficult aspects of family relationships and friendships. He can be seen as

one of the first significant object relations theorists and his ideas anticipated the concepts put forward by modern self psychologists.


Although Ian Suttie was working within the tradition set by  Freud,  there were a lot of concepts of Freud’s theory he disagreed with. First of all, Suttie saw sociability, the craving for companionship, the need to love and be loved, to exchange and to participate, to be as primary as sexuality itself. And in contrast with Freud he didn’t see sociability and love simply as a derivative from sexuality. Secondly, Ian Suttie explained anxiety and neurotic maladjustment, as a reaction on the failure of finding a response for this sociability; when primary social love and tenderness fails to find the response it seeks, the arisen frustration will produce a kind of separation anxiety. This view is more clearly illustrated by a piece of writing of Suttie himself:

                                                                                                                                                      ‘Instead of an armament of instincts, latent or otherwise, the child is born with a simple attachment-to-mother who is the sole source of food and protection… the need

for a mother is primarily presented to the child mind as a need for company and as a discomfort in isolation’.


Ian Suttie saw the infant as striving from the first to relate to his mother, and future mental health would depend on the success or failure of this first relationship (object relations). Another advocate of the object relations paradigm is Melanie Klein. Object relations was in contrast with Freud’s  psychoanalysis.  The advocates of this object relations paradigm all, in exception of Melanie Klein,

held the opinion that most differences in individual development that are of importance for mental health could be traced to differences in the way children were treated by their parents or to the loss or separation of parent-figures. In the explanation of the love and hate relationship by Ian Suttie, the focus, not surprisingly, lies in relations and the social environment. According to Suttie, Freud saw love and hate as two distinct instincts. Hate had to be overcome with love, and because both terms are seen as two different instincts, this means repression. In Suttie’s view however, this is incompatible with the other Freudian view that life is a struggle to attain peace by the release of the impulse. These inconsistencies would be caused by leaving out the social situations and motives. Suttie saw hate as the frustration aspect of love. “The greater the love, the greater the hate or jealousy caused by its frustration and the greater the ambivalence or guilt that may arise in relation to it.” Hate has to be overcome with love by the child removing the cause of the anxiety and hate by restoring harmonious relationships. The feeling of anxiety and hate can then change back into the feeling of love and security. This counts for the situation between mother and child and later for following relationships.

In Suttie’s view, the beginning of the relationship between mother and child is a happy and  symbiotic  one as well. This happy symbiotic relationship between mother and baby can be disrupted by for example a second baby or the mother returning to work. This makes the infant feel irritable, insecure and anxious. This would be the start of the feeling of ambivalence: feelings of love and

hate towards the mother. The child attempts to remove the cause of the anxiety and hate to restore the relationship (retransforming). This retransforming is necessary, because hate of a loved object (ambivalence) is intolerable.


The newborn baby is not able to distinguish the self from others and the relationship with the mother is symbiotic, with the two individuals forming a unique object. In this period, the child generates two different images of the mother. On one hand there is the loving mother, whose image derives from experiences of love and satisfaction in the relationship with her. On the other hand there is the bad mother, whose image derives from frustrating and upsetting experiences in the relationship. Since the child at this stage is unable to distinguish the self from the other, those two opposite images are often fused and confused, rather than distinguished. At about six months of age, the child becomes able to distinguish the self from the others. He now understands that his mother can be both gratifying and frustrating, and he starts experiencing himself as being able to feel both love and anger. This ambivalence results in a  vacillation  between attitudes of passive dependency on the omnipotent mother and aggressive strivings for self expansion and control over the love object. The passive-submissive and active-aggressive behaviour of the child during the pre-oedipal and the early oedipal period is determined by his ambivalent emotional fluctuations between loving and trusting admirations of his parents and disappointed depreciation of the loved objects. The ego can use this ambivalence conflicts to distinguish between the self and the object. At the beginning, the child tends to turn aggression toward the frustrating objects and libido towards the self. Hence, frustration, demands and restrictions imposed by parents within normal bounds, reinforce the process of discovery and distinction of the object and the self. When early experiences of severe disappointment and abandonment have prevented the building up of un-ambivalent object relations and stable identifications and weakened the child’s self-esteem, they may result in ambivalence conflict

in adulthood, which in turn causes depressive states.


Fiery Passion

 Passion ((from the Greek verb πασχω meaning to suffer) is a very strong   feeling about a person or thing.Passion is an intense emotion,a compelling 

 enthusiasm or desire for something. 


 Passion may be a friendly or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal,   cause, discovery, or activity or love to a feeling of unusual excitement, 

 enthusiasm or compelling emotion, a positive affinity or love, towards a   subject.  It is particularly used in the context of romance or   sexual desire    though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that   implied by the term lust. 


Ian Suttie further breaks down pleasure and pain, which are the guiding principles of passion into four major categories:


  1.  Pleasures  and pains of the senses

  2. Pleasures of the mind or of the imagination

  3. Our perfection or our imperfection of virtues or vices

  4. Pleasures and pains in the happiness or misfortunes of others

In his wake, Stoics like Epictetus emphasized that "the most important and especially pressing field of study is that which has to do with the stronger emotions...sorrows, lamentations, envies...passions which make it impossible for us even to listen to reason". The Stoic tradition still lay behind Hamlet's plea to "Give me that man That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him In my heart's core", or Erasmus's lament that "Jupiter has bestowed far more passion than reason – you could calculate the ratio as 24 to one". It was only with the  Romantic movement  that a valorisation of passion over reason took hold in the Western tradition:

                                                                                                                                                                                        "the more Passion there is, the better the Poetry".


The recent concerns of emotional intelligence have been to find a synthesis of the two forces—something that "turns the old understanding of the tension between reason and feeling on its head:

                                                                                                              it is not that we want to do away with emotion and put reason

in its place, as  Erasmus  had it, but instead find the intelligent balance of the two".


Antonio Damasio studied what ensued when something "severed ties between the lower centres of the emotional brain...and the thinking abilities of the  neocortex ". He found that while "emotions and feelings can cause havoc in the processes of reasoning...

the absence of emotion and feeling is no less damaging"; and was led to "the counter intuitive position that feelings are typically

indispensable for rational decisions". The passions, he concluded, "have a say on how the rest of the brain and cognition

go about their business. Their influence is immense...[providing] a frame of reference – as opposed to Descartes' error...the Cartesian idea of a disembodied mind".


A tension or dialectic between marriage and passion can be traced back in Western society at least as far as the Middle Ages, and the emergence of the cult of courtly love. Denis de Rougemont has argued that 'since its origins in the twelfth century, passionate love was constituted in opposition to marriage'. Stacey Oliker writes that while "Puritanism prepared the ground for a marital love ideology by prescribing love in marriage", only from the eighteenth century has "romantic love ideology resolved the Puritan antagonism between passion and reason" in a marital context. (Note though Saint Paul spoke of loving one's wife in  Ephesians 5. )

 George Bernard Shaw  "insists that there are passions far more exciting than the physical ones...'intellectual passion, mathematical passion, passion for discovery and exploration:

                                                                          the mightiest of all passions'". His contemporary, Sigmund Freud, argued for a continuity (not a contrast) between the two, physical and intellectual, and commended the way "Leonardo had energetically sublimated his sexual passions into the passion for independent scientific research".


There Is No Passion

There are different reasons individuals are motivated for an occupation.

One of these includes passion for the occupation. When an individual is

passionate about their occupation they tend to be less obsessive about

their behavior while on their job, resulting in more work being done and

more work satisfaction. These same individuals have higher levels of

psychological well- being. When people genuinely enjoy their profession

and are motivated by their passion, they tend to be more satisfied with

their work and more psychologically healthy. When an individual is

unsatisfied with their profession they are also dissatisfied with their family

relationships and experience psychological distress. Other reasons people

are more satisfied when they are motivated by their passion for their

occupation include the effects of intrinsic and external motivations. When

an individual is doing the job to satisfy others, they tend to have lower

levels of satisfaction and psychological health. Also, these same

individuals have shown they are motivated by several be iefs and fears

concerning other people. Thirdly, though some individuals believe one

should not work extreme hours, many prefer it because of how passionate

they are about the occupation. On the other hand, this may also put a

strain on family relationships and friendships. The balance of the two is

something that is hard to achieve and it is always hard to satisfy both



There are different components that qualify as reasons for considering an individual as a workaholic. Burke & Fiksenbaum refer to Spence and Robbins (1992) by stating two of the three  workaholism  components that are used to measure workaholism. These include feeling driven to work because of inner pressure and work enjoyment. Both of these affect an individual differently and each has different outcomes. To begin, work enjoyment brings about more positive work outcomes and is unrelated to health indicators. Inner pressure, on the other hand, is negatively related with work outcomes and has been related negatively to measures of psychological health. Burke & Fiksenbaum make a reference to Graves et al. (2006) when examining work enjoyment and inner pressures. Work enjoyment and inner pressure were tested with performance ratings. The former was positively related to performance ratings while the latter interfered with the performance-enhancing aspects of work enjoyment. Burke & Fiksenbaum refer to Virick and Baruch (2007) when explaining how these two workaholism components affect life satisfaction. Not surprisingly, inner pressure lowered the balance between work-life and life satisfaction but enhanced people's performance at their occupation, whereas work enjoyment led to a positive balance between the two. Again, when individuals are passionate about their occupation and put in many hours, they then become concerned that their occupation will satisfy personal relationships and the balance must then be found according to the importance levels of the individual.


The researchers indicate different patterns of correlations between these two components. These patterns include  antecedents 

and consequences. The two components offer unique motivations or orientations to work which result in its effects on work and

well-being. Inner pressures will hinder performance while work enjoyment will smooth performance. Inner pressures of workaholism have characteristics such as persistence, rigidity, perfectionism, and heightened levels of job stress. This component is also associated with working harder, not smarter. On a more positive note, individuals who enjoy their work will have higher levels of performance for several reasons. These include creativity, trust in their colleagues, and reducing levels of stress.


To Practice Any Art
Chase Your Passion

                                                                     Passion and desire go hand in hand, especially as a motivation. Linstead & Brewis                                                                                 refer to Merriam-Webster to say that passion is an "intense, driving, or  overmastering 

                                                                     feeling or conviction". This suggests that passion is a very intense emotion, but can be                                                                         positive or negative. Negatively, it may be unpleasant at times. It could involve pain and                                                                         has obsessive forms that can destroy the self and even others.


                                                                     In an occupation, when an individual is very passionate about their job, they may be so                                                                         wrapped up in work that they cause pain to their loved ones by focusing more on their                                                                           job than on their friendships and relationships. This is a constant battle of balance that                                                                           is difficult to achieve and only an individual can decide where that line lies. Passion is                                                                           connected to the concept of desire. In fact, they are inseparable, according to a mostly                                                                         weste of thinking related to Plato, Aristotle, and Augustine. These two concepts cause                                                                           individuals to reach out for something, or even someone. They both can either be                                                                                   creative or destructive and this dark side can very well be dangerous to the self or                                                                                 others.


                                                                      Hobbies require a certain level of passion in order to continue engaging in the hobby.                                                                            Singers, athletes, dancers, artists, and many others describe their emotion for their                                                                                hobby as a passion. Although this might be the  emotion  they're feeling, passion is                                                                                serving as a motivation for them to continue their hobby. Recently there has been a                                                                                model to explain different types of passion that contribute to engaging in an activity.


                                                                      According to researchers who have tested this model, "A  dualistic  model in which passion is defined as a strong inclination or desire toward a self-defining activity that one likes (or even loves), that one finds important (high valuation), and in which one invests time and energy." It is proposed that there exist two types of passion. The first type of passion is harmonious passion.


"A  harmonious passion  refers to a strong desire to engage in the activity that remains under the person's control."  This is mostly obtained when the person views their activity as part of their identity. Once an activity is part of the person's identity then the motivation to continue this hobby is even stronger. The harmony obtained with this passion is conceived when the person is able both to freely engage in or to stop the hobby. It's not so much that the person is forced to continue this hobby, but on his or her own free will is able to engage in it. For example, if a girl loves to play volleyball, but she has a project due the next day and her friends invite her to play, she is able to say no on her own free will.


The second kind of passion in the dualistic model is  obsessive passion.  Being the

opposite of harmonious passion, this type has a strong desire to engage in the activity,

but it's not under the person's own control and he or she is forced to engage in the

hobby. This type of passion has a negative effect on a person where they could feel

they need to engage in their hobby to continue interpersonal relationships, or "fit in" with

the crowd. To change the above example, if the girl has an obsessive passion towards

volleyball and she is asked to play with her friends, she will say yes even though she

needs to finish her project.


Since passion can be a type of motivation in hobbies then assessing intrinsic motivation

is appropriate.  Intrinsic motivation  helps define these types of passion. Passion

naturally helps the needs or desires that motivate a person to some particular action or

behavior. Certain abilities and hobbies can be developed early and the innate motivation

is also something that comes early in life. Although someone might know how to engage

in a hobby, this doesn't necessarily mean they are motivated to do it. Christine Robinson

makes the point in her article that, " ...knowledge of your innate motivation can help guide

action toward what will be fulfilling." Feeling satisfied and fulfilled builds the passion for the hobby to continue a person's happiness.

Lead Your Passion


In  Margaret Drabble's  The Realms of Gold, the hero flies hundreds of miles to

reunite with the heroine, only to miss her by 24 hours – leaving the onlookers

"wondering what grand passion could have brought him so far...a quixotic look

about him, a look of harassed desperation". When the couple do finally reunite,

however, the heroine is less than impressed. "'If you ask me, it was a very childish

gesture. You're not twenty-one now, you know'. 'No, I know. It was my last fling'".


In Alberto Moravia's 1934, the revolutionary double-agent, faced with the girl he is betraying, "was seized by violent desire...he never took his eyes off my bosom...I

believe those two dark spots at the end of my breasts were enough to make him

forget tsarism, revolution, political faith,  ideology,  and betrayal".



Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from

interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". It may also describe  compassionate  and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.


Non-Western traditions have also distinguished variants or  symbioses  of these states. This diversity of uses and meanings combined with the complexity of the feelings involved makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.


Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the  creative arts. 


Love may be understood as a function to keep human beings together against menaces and to facilitate the continuation of the species.


Hatred (or hate) is a deep and emotional extreme dislike. It can be directed against individuals, groups, entities, objects, behaviors, or ideas. Hatred is often associated with feelings of anger, disgust and a  disposition  towards hostility.


Passion (from the Greek verb  πασχω  meaning to suffer) is a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense

emotion, a compelling enthusiasm to desire for something.


T D Jakes Purpose
Sometimes I Hate You
Do What You Love
Without Passion
Do It With Passion
Love Plus Hate
I Hate You

 The material on this site does not necessarily reflect the views of What If? Tees. 

 The Images and Text are not meant to offend but to Promote Positive Open Debate and Free Speech.